I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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