she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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