Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
