I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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