Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
a search helicopter?!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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