Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
