these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
