I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
