watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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