i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
