if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Randomize
