You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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