The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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