So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
