omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
