i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
