I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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