dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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