Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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