i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
