if i can run in heels then i can drive
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
