You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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