you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
