If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
