did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
