Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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