Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
