we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
