If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
