just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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