i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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