I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
