I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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