Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
