so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
