32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
