Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
