You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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