hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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