My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Houston, we have a squirter
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
