You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
