i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
