ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
