woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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