Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
