We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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