you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
