a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
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