is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just forgot I was standing up.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
