I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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